Tag Archives: government

The Viceroy of Venus

Continued from “Caitlin
~~~The Viceroy of Venus“The delegation from Venus has arrived,” the chief of staff, Marcy Waters, swallowed her fear as she addressed the President of the Moon (and also Mars).

Caitlin growled in frustration, “They were supposed to be here yesterday. Don’t they know my time is valuable? The Moon (and also Mars) won’t president itself!”

“It seems the ambassador is not among the delegation,” Marcy tried to interject.

“So now the Viceroyalty of Venus mocks me by not even sending the ambassador?” Caitlin practically screamed.

The door to the president’s office opened. Caitlin’s face turned white.

The Viceroy of Venus smiled, “Why hello, sister.”

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Caitlin

CaitlinCaitlin drew it all in. The expanse of her dominion lay out before her in all its glory, or at least half of her dominion. A smile crept across her face. It was good to be President of the Moon (and also Mars).

The Earth hung in the sky like a large blue and white moon. Caitlin had declared the Earth to be named “the Moon’s Moon” while speaking of it on the Moon (and also Mars) because she could. She was the President. She could do whatever she wanted.

Who was going to stop her? The Viceroy of Venus? Unlikely.

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Government Subsidized House Fires

“Oh, thank goodness!” Mrs. Malinowski yells as the firetruck stops in front of her burning home.

“Howdy ma’am,” a firefighter slowly exits the truck, “What seems to be the problem?”

“My house is burning.”

“No, I mean with paying your fire department premiums.”

“Don’t I pay through taxes?”

“We’ve been privatized, ma’am. The mayor said that by providing a fire department it only encouraged people to have fires knowing there would be a government bailout.”

“But I need help! My house is on fire!”

“You socialists make me sick,” the firefighter spits.

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Letter of Recommendation

I was recently asked to write a letter of recommendation for a friend’s college application. Here is what I came up with:
~~~

To Whom It May Concern:

It is my greatest pleasure to introduce to you the very talented Haylea G—. She is without exaggeration the greatest person to have walked the earth in at least the past 560 years, possibly even the last 783 years (but I won’t try to push the point).

It is most likely that we will have a woman president before Haylea is eligible, but it is virtually guaranteed that she will be the second woman to be president of these United States. She will essentially be the John Adams of women presidents. To put that into perspective, she may be forgotten for a few generations, but in due time her greatness will be understood by a popular historical author who will write a New York Times bestseller based upon her life that will get optioned for a HBO miniseries special in which the part of Haylea will be played by an Oscar-nominated actress. In the scene where she enters into university, do you really want your school to be ridiculed as the one that did not accept her application? What I am saying is that it would be an extraordinary blow to your school’s reputation to not accept Ms. G— into your esteemed halls of learning. Generations from now you will be known as “the university that failed to note the genius of Haylea G— as depicted in the award-winning HBO miniseries ‘Haylea G—’ available on DVD and Bluray Disc.” You don’t want that to happen, do you? Eternal shame throughout the ages would not do well for your alumni pledge drives.

It is with this in mind that I wholly support and wish for you to consider Ms. Haylea G—. Your reputation, nay, your very future rests in her capable hands.

Yours Etc.
~Eric Hamilton Esq.

~~~
This is the same Haylea that inspired my very second 101 word short story over two years ago: Inspired by Haylea. Even now she continues to inspire!

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Land of the Not So Free

Land of the Not So Free“I don’t like it,” an old man blubbers. “I don’t like it one bit. Why don’t they keep their mosques in Arabland where they belong?”

“Grandpa, please,” Joe looks around to see how many strangers have taken notice. “Not in public, please.”

“I’ve got a right to free speech! I’m an American!

“We’ve talked about this before, Grandpa. Those people are Americans, too.”

Grandpa snorts.

Joe continues, “They have a right to freedom of religion.”

“When the founding fathers said freedom of religion, they meant freedom of Christian religion—except Catholics. Look it up!”

Joe moves to Canada the next month.

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Enumerated Power

A few years ago, I was asked to teach the US Constitution to fourth graders. I have a degree in Political Science, so I guess I’m qualified.

I broke the class into different branches. We had a President and Vice President, three Supreme Court Justices, and the rest were divided between the House and Senate.

The kids made their own law which passed unanimously: HR1 All Candy Is Free Act. I tried to convince the Supreme Court it was unconstitutional, but they found it to be in keeping with Article I, Section 8; that Congress shall provide for the general Welfare.

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Hillbilly Politics

“‘Ey, Cletus?”

“Yeah, Jim Bob?”

“Ya ever think tha fed’r'l guvament has too much power?”

“Sometimes.”

“I hear Jethro talkin’ ’bout how we’s shouldn’ have tack-shay-shun without rep-re-say-shun.”

“But we have rep-re-say-shun, Jim Bob.”

“Naugh after I refused ta respond ta tha sin-suhs.”

“Now why ya do that, Jim Bob?”

“It hain’t what tha foundin’ fathers intended, I hear Jethro say.”

“So Jethro says tha foundin’ fathers hain’t intended the sin-suhs to ah-pro-pree-payt rep-re-say-shun in ta Congriss?”

“Accordin’ ta Jethro, Cletus.”

“Then why they write it in tha Con-stitch-tu-shun, Jim Bob?”

“Huh. Ha’n't thought o’ that, Cletus.”

“Surely naugh, Jim Bob.”

~~~
More discussions between Jim Bob an’ Cletus

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King of the Hobos

In certain societies it is considered a good thing to be crazy. There they make you king, though, being crazy, it is hard to imagine that you would understand or appreciate such coronation.

Insanity is seen as the purest form of communication with the gods. If the gods are beyond human limits and comprehension, the thinking goes, then those who have left behind lucidity must have special communion with the divine.

That is how the king of the hobos is selected. The craziest, most insane vagrant is selected by the most demented process known to man (hobo or otherwise): Democratic election.

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Historic Legislation

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. I wish to congratulate my fellow senators on the spectacular undertaking we accomplished earlier today. We answered the call of history as so many generations of Americans have before us. When faced with crisis, we did not shrink from our challenge – we overcame it. We did not avoid our responsibility – we embraced it. We did not fear our future – we shaped it. We finally passed S3133: Someone Please Name a Highway after Senator Evans So He’ll Shut Up Already and Do Some Work for a Change Act of 2010. Thank you!”

~~~
With thanks to President Obama for supplying part of the text.

More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

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Future History

In the city that never sleeps, the police force could not afford rest either. In the year 2022, the first robotic officers were inducted into the NYPD. They were little more than self-operating computers going through case files then. The first robot was placed on the beat in 2045, and by 2062 the entire NYPD was comprised of machine (except for the commissioner whose role was now more network administrator than anything).

If there’s one thing computers like it’s efficiency, and humans are not very efficient, even when it comes to crime. It wasn’t long before robots took that over, too.

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