The Right Hands

“You point it at a group of people and it’ll obliterate everything in its path.” A gleam of jubilant self-satisfaction shone across Doctor Bradbury’s dark brown eyes and a crooked smile formed as if it were his first such attempt. That’s what he had been hiding behind his cold stoic demeanor all these years. It made me sick.

I considered the ramifications of this- this device. I gulped for air. “And how many of these did you say you made?”

“Forty thousand thus far,” Bradbury said, “Fifty thousand by the end of the week, and after that a production capability of twenty thousand more each week thereafter.”

“With a capability of destroying-” the words caught in my throat. I was getting dizzy.

“Thousands,” the gleam came back to Bradbury’s eyes, “Hundreds of thousands in the right hands.”

“The right hands,” I said turning the device around in my hands. “The right hands.”

“Aren’t you pleased?” Bradbury said. “This will end the war.”

“No, Doctor,” I said pointing the device at his crooked smile. “I will end the war. Right. Now.”

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Time

It was standing room only in the small chapel on 53rd and Waco. Pastor Sciutto stood over the casket, a single tear traveling down his right cheek.

“Friends and loved ones, we are gathered here on this occasion to commemorate the passing of James Fitzpatrick. His time has finally come.”

With one enormous shout, the chapel erupted into applause. Formal black clothes were stripped to reveal colorful party wear underneath. Confetti fell from the ceiling. No fewer than seven attendees broke out into a rendition of “Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead.”

Pastor Sciutto continued over the din of mirth and gladness, “This day will long be remembered long after we are all gone. School children will stay at home, banks will be closed, Kohl’s will have a special twenty percent off all designer jeans weekend, in memory of this great and glorious day when James Fitzpatrick’s time finally ran out!”

The front door to the chapel burst open, and there stood James Fitzpatrick. The joyous celebration ceased immediately.

“What is going on?” James said.

“Nothing,” Pastor Sciutto said, quickly jumping off the casket he had been riverdancing on seconds before, “Just practicing.”

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Economy Fixed

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. Everyone keeps talking about this debt crisis we are in, but nobody is doing anything about it! It’s not rocket science, people. I just introduced a bill that will solve everything; S1422: Fix the Economy Act of 2011 which reads in full: ‘Wherein the economy is a total mess, be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled that, someone should really get around to fixing the economy. Pronto.’

“Bam. Economy fixed. Now that wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

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The Prad

“Sir. Do you require assistance?” the slightly metallic voice said.

It’s a crying shame when the only person who will show you sympathy isn’t even a person at all.

“No,” I said to the unaccompanied prad, Personal Robotic Assistance Device, “I’ll be fine.”

I was lying.

“Sir,” the prad hesitated, probably because it was determining whether my situation or my command should take higher priority, “It looks to me like you require assistance.”

“You certainly have a talent for understatement,” I said.

“Sir?”

I sighed. “Well, help me up then! That’s what you’re made for, isn’t it?”

“Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.”

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Momentary Lapses into Sanity now Available!

Momentary Lapses into SanityMomentary Lapses into Sanity is now available for purchase on Lulu (and will soon be available on Amazon.com as well).

It contains 125 stories and over 70 illustrations! Many of the stories have been edited specifically for the book, and several contain additions not found on the website. All of the illustrations were made specifically for the book. I’m really proud of this collection, and I am certain you will be entertained by it as well. Thank you for reading Brief Conceits!

Buy Momentary Lapses into Sanity by Eric Hamilton

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Ouch

“Ouch!”

“Don’t worry. You won’t feel a thing,” the doctor said.

“I already said ‘ouch.’ You can’t tell me I won’t feel a thing after I’ve already felt something.”

“I meant from here on out,” the doctor said distractedly.

“Oh. I guess that makes sens– Ouch!! I thought you said I wouldn’t feel anything from here on out!”

“Up until just then,” the doctor said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

“I just stuck a needle in you. Of course you’d feel something then.”

“Well then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That I’d feel someth– OUCH!!”

“Sorry. That was my fault that time.”

“It’s all been your fault as far as I can tell!”

“Look,” the doctor stood up and looked me in the eye, “You can’t get better without a little pain. It’s just the way it is. I know these things. I’m a doctor.”

I stared deep into those confident reassuring eyes of his. “I don’t know why, but I think I trust what you– YEEEOWCH!”

“My bad.”

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Ice

I could see her face through the ice, distorted and blue. No matter how hard I slammed my fist against it, it would not break. It was too thick. Her eyes were wide. Complete fear had overtaken her. Her movements were like molasses.

Time slowed down to an imperceptible crawl. Each moment was like an eternity. An eternity of eternities was still not enough time.

My thoughts turned to the time I no longer would have with her. It was too late now for rescue. No one could survive much longer.

The cold water filled my lungs and set them on fire, dying for a breath.

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When

When she smiled at him, he told himself he would be acting selfishly if he told her how he felt about her.

When she batted her eyes toward him, he told himself he valued her friendship too much to put it at risk.

When she was lonely and heartbroken, he told himself it was not his place to comfort her in her grief.

When she found comfort in the arms of another man, he told himself he was happy for her.

When she stopped thinking of him ever again, he told himself there was nothing else he could have possibly done.

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On Hiatus

Brief Conceits is currently on hiatus as I finish up my book collection titled Momentary Lapses into Sanity.

MLIS should be available by July of this year. It will contain the best stories that have appeared on Brief Conceits over the past three years, as well as contain all-new illustrations. After I have completed the book, Brief Conceits will return to more regular updates.

Thank you for your support and your patience!

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Buffets and Genocide

Buffets and Genocide“Who is taking all the macaroni and cheese? I’ve been up to this buffet three times and it’s always gone. I see it getting refilled when I’m sitting down, so I know somebody is getting macaroni and cheese!” Crimson Death yelled out at the annual Super Villain Get-Together and Karaoke. Everyone else tried to ignore him.

“So, has anyone here ever committed mass genocide?” General Overkill asked the table.

“Look I just want some macaroni and cheese. Is that too much to ask?” Crimson Death called out.

“I will by the end of the day,” Wolf-bat Man growled through gritted teeth.

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