Category Archives: Senator Evans

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. Everyone keeps talking about this debt crisis we are in, but nobody is doing anything about it! It’s not rocket science, people. I just introduced a bill that will solve everything; S1422: Fix the Economy Act of 2011 which reads in full: ‘Wherein the economy is a total mess, be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled that, someone should really get around to fixing the economy. Pronto.’

“Bam. Economy fixed. Now that wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

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More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. I wish to congratulate my fellow senators on the spectacular undertaking we accomplished earlier today. We answered the call of history as so many generations of Americans have before us. When faced with crisis, we did not shrink from our challenge – we overcame it. We did not avoid our responsibility – we embraced it. We did not fear our future – we shaped it. We finally passed S3133: Someone Please Name a Highway after Senator Evans So He’ll Shut Up Already and Do Some Work for a Change Act of 2010. Thank you!”

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With thanks to President Obama for supplying part of the text.

More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. I have had a long and celebrated career serving the people of Pennsylvania, but I would be remiss if I did not address the grievous injustice I have been forced to deal with for its entirety. I ask you: Where are my beautiful South American mistresses? Too long have I been forced to live a strictly monogamous lifestyle. I’m a politician for goodness sake! That is why I implore you to support S2577: Introduce Senator Evans to a Smoking Hot Babe (But Nobody Tell Mrs. Evans) Act of 2009. Thank you.”

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More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. My fellow Senators, America is hurting during this economic crisis. I am sure you have heard countless heart-wrenching stories from your constituents. I have heard many from my own constituents of the great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. No one understands these economic difficulties more than I. That is why I urge my fellow Senators to pass S1737: Somebody Please Lend Senator Evans Twenty Bucks Because He’d Like To Go Out To Eat Tonight Which Will Stimulate The Local Economy, Plus You Know He’ll Be Good For It Act of 2009. Thank you.”

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More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. I come before my colleagues of the United States Senate to humbly ask for your forgiveness. Yesterday I introduced S1367: Annex Canada and Call It ‘America, Jr.’ Act of 2009 to great hoopla. Some said it was ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’ or ‘illegal under international law.’ I now wish to apologize to my critics. That’s right. I wish to apologize. I apologize for being a visionary! I ask to be forgiven for being the only Senator courageous enough to introduce this essential piece of legislation! You all should be ashamed of yourselves!”

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More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. I would encourage all of my colleagues to give serious consideration to the pending legislation, S523: Engrave the Visage of Senator Evans on the Face of the Moon with a Giant Space Laser Act of 2008. Many have called this bill frivolous and vainglory. Many have accused me of egotism borderlining megalomania. I never once thought of myself while introducing this bill! I only thought of the countless generations of children around the world that will be comforted to sleep by the unending gaze of my face. Think of the children!”