Category Archives: five minute fiction

James dove into the car with several comically large tan bags with dollar signs on them. He didn’t think they actually had those at banks, but this was an entire day of firsts for him: Robbing a bank, threatening a pretty bank teller with a gun, slipping his phone number hastily scratched onto a business card into said bank teller’s hands as he made his getaway. Now all that was left was exciting car chase from the police.

“Step on it, Frank!” James yelled as he pulled the back door shut.

“I’m a little teapot short and stout–” Frank sang timidly, his voice faltering once. The car remained in park.

James sighed. He forgot that when Frank got really nervous he would sing children’s songs. “We don’t have time for this, Frank!”

“–here is my handle–” Frank continued.

“Frank?” The police had arrived and began surrounding the car.

“–HERE IS MY SPOUT!” Frank screamed more than sang.

“Shut your spout and punch it!”

Suddenly Frank popped the car into first and slammed on the gas. “WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT!” He ran over three policemen. “TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!”

James sighed in relief. They made it out. Not as clean as he hoped, but out nonetheless.

…Then he remembered the business card he had slipped the teller had come from his own pocket.

“What’s your plan, Doctor Malevolent?” Captain Amazing said through gritted teeth as he struggled in vain against the nega-beams holding him. “What is the endgame?”

Doctor Malevolent smiled wickedly. “Endgame. Such an appropriate word for this occasion. Grant me an opportunity to inform you of my plans,” Doctor Malevolent turned to the monitor with the countdown display (currently at 04:13:27). “In approximately four minutes the world will be destroyed. My super-virus has already infected all major military computer networks across the globe. It only needs to be activated, and then all missile installations will be under my control. The vast arsenal of the United States and Russia alone will destroy the world a hundred times over in sweet beautiful nuclear annihilation.”

“But you’ll be destroyed along with everyone else! Why would you do that?” Captain Amazing’s eyes betrayed a hint of fear swelling deep within him.

“I’ve grown tired of this game called life, Captain.” Doctor Malevolent said. “It’s time to to bring things to a close.” Doctor Malevolent sighed. “I rather hoped it would not be this easy, the destruction of the human race. All well. We can’t have everything we want, can we? Make peace with your God, Captain Amazing. You have two and a half minutes.”

“Yup,” Thomas says aloud to no one, “It’s all the same. Nothing ever changes in this boring old town.”

Thomas walks down the main thoroughfare of the small town in Kansas he has resided in since his youth. He passes by the family grocery store that never has the products you want. He passes by the barber shop where old men congregate to complain about local politics.

“I wish there was something better. I would give anything for a little excitement,” Thomas mutters to himself.

He passes by the doughnut shop that is an undercover front for a secret federal government agency that kidnaps children off the streets. “Frank” is standing outside with an extremely noticeable ear piece and dark sun glasses.

“Hey, ‘Frank,’” Thomas says.

“Frank” nods but says nothing.

“What a boring town,” Thomas says as he passes by the mom-and-pop store that brings your wildest dreams true for a moderate fee.

“Defenses are set, my lord,” Captain Milford said with grim serenity. “The men are prepared as best they can be.”

“Good,” Baron Herrick said as he stared off into the distance. The blue sky dotted with wisps of feathery clouds betrayed the ambiance of day to be. The Baron thought of his wife, twenty years whence they courted and picnicked on these very hills. It was a time of love back then. No longer.

“My lord?” Captain Milford still stood at the ready.

“We’ve done all we could, Captain,” Baron Herrick said, “Now all we can do is wait.”

Captain Milford was about to take his leave when a messenger came galloping up, shouting, “Attack from the east!”

The Baron and the Captain shared a glance of horror. They had not prepared for an attack from the east. It was rocky and nearly untraversable. Somehow the enemy had found a way.

It’s an odd thing to return somewhere you had no intention to return, had made peace with the fact you would never gaze upon its splendor again. It’s like stepping into a dream. The trees are taller, but familiar. The sunlight breaks in a different pattern through the leaves than it does in your memories. It’s an eerie feeling being somewhere so familiar yet so alien.

Your fingers trace the old worn-out stone lettering of the pillar in the middle of the glen. His name crosses your lips as it moves underneath your fingertips. He’s gone now. Never to return, just as you vowed never to return to this spot.

But now here you are. Experience has taught you nothing is impossible. You say his name again, hoping for the impossible.

The goblet fell to the floor with a terrible crash. The court looked to the king who was slumped over his table unmoving. Panic ripped through the court and accusations were made against every minister by every minister before order was restored by the sergeant at arms. The court was dismissed and an investigation was quickly made.

Poison was the report the court received, a certain type common to the Duchy of Azural. The crown prince vowed that such a deed would not go unanswered, and a call to arms was imminent.

“The king is dead!” The cry was raised by the heralds, and echoed throughout the town. “Long live the king!”

A smile crossed the face of a peasant, making his way out of the city. He was headed for a home far away on the other side of the mountains, where he would never be waited on again.