Yearly Archives: 2012

Unfinished Business

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Eric

Michael had died two weeks ago, but you would hardly know it from the state of his side of the apartment. Robert, his roommate, still currently alive, wanted to clean it out and move on with his life, but Michael’s spirit would not allow it.

“Sorry, unfinished business and all that,” Michael’s ghost said with transparent feet propped up on the coffee table. He was watching Toddlers & Tiaras on TLC.

“This is also part of my unfinished business. I need to finish this marathon.”

“It sounds less like unfinished business, and more like you’re just too lazy to move on,” Robert growled. “Just at least let me vacuum your room. The neighbors are starting to talk about the smell.”

“Dude, do you want me to stay haunting this apartment for the rest of your mortal life, or do you want to help give my spirit peace?”

Robert sighed, “I want to give you peace.”

“Good,” Michael said, “Start by bringing me a piece of pie.” Michael’s spirit scratched his ethereal rear end and hawked an ecto-plasmic loogie.

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A Typical Evening

Posted on April 13, 2012 by Eric

It’s 12:37 AM and I should be asleep;
Instead I’m at my computer working.

It’s 12:54 AM and I should be working;
Instead my mind keeps drifting off to
Other things I could be doing with my time

It’s 1:03 AM and I should be doing something;
Instead I’m watching clips on YouTube
Of skits featuring the Interrupter
From Late Night with Conan O’Brien.

It’s 5:42 AM and I should really stop watching Conan clips;
Instead I have become psychologically dependent
On blurry snippets transferred digitally from VHS tapes.

It’s 9:16 AM and I should be at work;
Instead I’m asleep.

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Lumberjack Logic

Posted on February 15, 2012 by Eric

“I’m sorry,” the lumberjack whispered sweetly to his axe, “but you just aren’t all that useful. Sure, you can cut down trees, but you can only cut down so many, and then you need sharpening. It really is a hassle. So I’m throwing you away and waiting for one that’s always sharp.”

The axe said nothing.

“You won’t defend yourself?” said the lumberjack. “How can you? My logic is unassailable.”

The axe said nothing.

“You cannot cut my meat like a knife, and you cannot warm my house in the winter, either,” said the lumberjack. “Can you do anything at all?”

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Unsanitary

Posted on January 24, 2012 by Eric

“This is disgusting!” Gerald said pretending to be musing to himself but straining to be heard by everyone. “Look at the trash can. It doesn’t look like it’s been emptied all day. You people live like disgusting pigs!”

Jim and Ted swiveled around in their chairs in unison with puzzled faces.

“This is an office, Gerald,” Jim said. “There’s only paper in the trash.”

“It’s not exactly unsanitary,” Ted added.

“Is it in the trash? Is trash filthy?” They were more statements than questions. “Is this a farm or an office?”

Ted sighed, “It’s an office.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Gerald snarled.

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Unlucky

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Eric

Jack was the unluckiest man alive. He had done it all: made millions through sleazy backroom trades, bribed government officials, financially supported violent radical revolutionary groups in South and Central America, had multiple steamy affairs, and it had all come out on television to be scrutinized by millions of people all across the country.

How did it get this bad? He asked himself in his darkened room. It should have ended differently.

“Time for the inauguration,” an aide slipped in and said, and then with an added flourish, “Mister President.”

Jack sighed. This is going to be a long four years.

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Attainable Goals

Posted on January 12, 2012 by Eric

“You should be thinking about your life, your goals,” Theresa was saying.

Sam pondered over his sheet of paper with the words “BUCKET LIST” at the top underlined twice for emphasis. He tapped his pencil in frustration.

“What do you want to accomplish with your life, Sam? You only have a limited amount of time on this planet.”

Sam penciled a bullet point and scribbled “write a Bucket List.”

“Without a purpose, life is aimless and meaningless,” Theresa was in her own world now.

Sam crossed out his only item. “Done,” he said. “I have now lived life to the fullest.”

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