Monthly Archives: July 2011

Economy Fixed

Posted on July 27, 2011 by Eric

“Senator Evans from Pennsylvania is recognized.”

“Thank you, Mr. President. Everyone keeps talking about this debt crisis we are in, but nobody is doing anything about it! It’s not rocket science, people. I just introduced a bill that will solve everything; S1422: Fix the Economy Act of 2011 which reads in full: ‘Wherein the economy is a total mess, be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled that, someone should really get around to fixing the economy. Pronto.’

“Bam. Economy fixed. Now that wasn’t so hard now, was it?”

~~~
More proposals by Senator Evans of Pennsylvania

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The Prad

Posted on July 23, 2011 by Eric

“Sir. Do you require assistance?” the slightly metallic voice said.

It’s a crying shame when the only person who will show you sympathy isn’t even a person at all.

“No,” I said to the unaccompanied prad, Personal Robotic Assistance Device, “I’ll be fine.”

I was lying.

“Sir,” the prad hesitated, probably because it was determining whether my situation or my command should take higher priority, “It looks to me like you require assistance.”

“You certainly have a talent for understatement,” I said.

“Sir?”

I sighed. “Well, help me up then! That’s what you’re made for, isn’t it?”

“Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.”

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Momentary Lapses into Sanity now Available!

Posted on July 20, 2011 by Eric

Momentary Lapses into SanityMomentary Lapses into Sanity is now available for purchase on Lulu (and will soon be available on Amazon.com as well).

It contains 125 stories and over 70 illustrations! Many of the stories have been edited specifically for the book, and several contain additions not found on the website. All of the illustrations were made specifically for the book. I’m really proud of this collection, and I am certain you will be entertained by it as well. Thank you for reading Brief Conceits!

Buy Momentary Lapses into Sanity by Eric Hamilton

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Ouch

Posted on July 19, 2011 by Eric

“Ouch!”

“Don’t worry. You won’t feel a thing,” the doctor said.

“I already said ‘ouch.’ You can’t tell me I won’t feel a thing after I’ve already felt something.”

“I meant from here on out,” the doctor said distractedly.

“Oh. I guess that makes sens– Ouch!! I thought you said I wouldn’t feel anything from here on out!”

“Up until just then,” the doctor said matter-of-factly.

“What?”

“I just stuck a needle in you. Of course you’d feel something then.”

“Well then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That I’d feel someth– OUCH!!”

“Sorry. That was my fault that time.”

“It’s all been your fault as far as I can tell!”

“Look,” the doctor stood up and looked me in the eye, “You can’t get better without a little pain. It’s just the way it is. I know these things. I’m a doctor.”

I stared deep into those confident reassuring eyes of his. “I don’t know why, but I think I trust what you– YEEEOWCH!”

“My bad.”

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Ice

Posted on July 18, 2011 by Eric

I could see her face through the ice, distorted and blue. No matter how hard I slammed my fist against it, it would not break. It was too thick. Her eyes were wide. Complete fear had overtaken her. Her movements were like molasses.

Time slowed down to an imperceptible crawl. Each moment was like an eternity. An eternity of eternities was still not enough time.

My thoughts turned to the time I no longer would have with her. It was too late now for rescue. No one could survive much longer.

The cold water filled my lungs and set them on fire, dying for a breath.

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When

Posted on July 16, 2011 by Eric

When she smiled at him, he told himself he would be acting selfishly if he told her how he felt about her.

When she batted her eyes toward him, he told himself he valued her friendship too much to put it at risk.

When she was lonely and heartbroken, he told himself it was not his place to comfort her in her grief.

When she found comfort in the arms of another man, he told himself he was happy for her.

When she stopped thinking of him ever again, he told himself there was nothing else he could have possibly done.

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