Monthly Archives: May 2011

Buffets and Genocide

Posted on May 31, 2011 by Eric

Buffets and Genocide“Who is taking all the macaroni and cheese? I’ve been up to this buffet three times and it’s always gone. I see it getting refilled when I’m sitting down, so I know somebody is getting macaroni and cheese!” Crimson Death yelled out at the annual Super Villain Get-Together and Karaoke. Everyone else tried to ignore him.

“So, has anyone here ever committed mass genocide?” General Overkill asked the table.

“Look I just want some macaroni and cheese. Is that too much to ask?” Crimson Death called out.

“I will by the end of the day,” Wolf-bat Man growled through gritted teeth.

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Drill

Posted on May 18, 2011 by Eric

DrillBeautiful. That’s the word that comes to mind as I watch the twisting threads of the drill. It’s thrilling. Hypnotic.

I find myself lost in its endless circling. I almost forget what I am doing, why I am even holding this drill in the first place.

Down it goes. It makes contact with a high pitched squeal. It’s music to my ears. As it goes deeper, so does the pitch. The harmony of machine and nature at its finest.

Smoke rises and fills my nostrils. This is why I bought the heavy duty drill with back up battery attachment. The drill gets stuck, but only for a moment as I pull down harder on the trigger. That’s why I chose the one with extra torque. It’s always better to pay more for better quality.

The blood splatters across my paper bib, but I don’t care, I relish it. The gurgled screams of a patient choking on his own saliva mixed with blood is exhilarating. His eyes look up at me as to question my intentions. Briefly he wonders if there was ever a God. Then he gives out.

Unlike my drill. It has a lifetime money back guarantee.

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Men in Suits

Posted on May 16, 2011 by Eric

Men in Suits“Be an individual,” the men in suits say, “like us.”

A suit wraps itself around me like a boa constrictor, limiting my movement, squeezing the life out of me.

“It is the only way we will accept you,” the men in suits sing as they watch me die. “You can only be an individual if you kill every part of you that makes you different.” They sound as only a single voice.

A casket closes in on me. You should always dress your best for your own funeral.

“Conformity is the only approved path to individuality,” the men in suits say.

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The Conclusion

Posted on May 14, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “Haylea’s Master Plan“
~~~The Conclusion“Never!” Caitlin shouted, “You always take whatever you want from me! This time you can’t!”

“Oh can’t I?” Haylea smirked. Jack pointed his laser-pistol at Caitlin.

Caitlin said nothing more and began to walk out of the throne room.

“Where do you think you are going?” Haylea demanded.

“You can’t force me to sign over my dominion. The worst you can do is kill me, and the power transfers to my Vice President,” Caitlin said with calm authority. “That’s it. You have nothing else to hold over me. You lose, Haylea. It’s over.” Caitlin continued toward the exit.

Haylea growled in frustration. “Shoot her!” Haylea commanded Jack.

ZZZAART!

Jack slumped to the floor. Caitlin held a laser-pistol in her hand.

“What? How?” Haylea stammered.

“I never leave myself unprotected,” Caitlin said hiding the gun again in her clothes. “Also, I recorded everything you said.”

“How?” Haylea was aghast.

“I have an implanted computer in here,” Caitlin pointed to her head, “You get all sorts of neat secret high-tech things when you’re the President of the Moon (and also Mars). My people never lost track of me, and I’ve already sent the recording back to the Moon. I’m sure once the King of the Royal Alliance of Earth becomes aware, you won’t be Viceroy much longer.”

Haylea dropped to her knees.

“It was good seeing you again, sister,” Caitlin said and left the throne room.

Haylea sat slumped on the cold marble floors for moments that drew out like eternities. Then with newfound realization Haylea’s eyes widened. She knew exactly how to redeem herself with the king, and continue to be a thorn in her sister’s side another day. Haylea picked herself up and rushed out of the throne room.

“Is anyone going to help me?” Emperor Nate called into the vast empty room from the floor. “Anybody?”

THE END

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Haylea’s Master Plan

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “The Tables Turn Yet Again“
~~~

“I could’ve had you killed back on the Moon,” Haylea said. “Besides, I don’t want to kill you. You are my sister.”

“Then what do you want?” Caitlin asked.

“The Moon, and Mars,” Haylea said, and then to Nate still on the floor, “and the moons of Jupiter. All of them, signed over to me as the new ruler. With half the Solar System under my control, I will seize the rest from the Royal Alliance of Earth, and set myself up as the new Queen of the Solar System. The world would finally be perfect once I was the queen.”

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The Tables Turn Yet Again

Posted on May 12, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “It All Comes Down to This Moment“
~~~

Caitlin stood in shock as her older sister laughed uncontrollably. “What’s so funny? We were about to be killed!”

Viceroy Haylea straightened. “Don’t you see, dear sister? Jack actually works for me.”

“What?” Caitlin said.

“What?” Nate said still painfully writhing on the floor.

“It went all according to plan. I insert a triple-agent into your security, letting Nate think he had done so.”

Nate groaned.

“I faked the attack on my life on Venus, then conveniently placed myself in your palace when it was attacked, so I could convince you to come here.”

“To kill me?” Caitlin defiantly asked.

“No.”

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It All Comes Down to This Moment

Posted on May 11, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “Nate’s Vengeance“
~~~

Everything was moving way too fast for Caitlin. She barely had time to think. But time also paradoxically slowed down. For a moment, she wondered if everything had paused. She couldn’t hear a thing.

Somewhere in an unassuming part of the galaxy, Nate’s older brother Cale made a significant living mining comets, free from all the political intrigue and danger that came with it.

“What are you waiting for? Shoot them!” Nate shouted.

Sweat beaded down Jack’s face.

“Shoot them!”

ZZZAART!

A single laser sounded. Caitlin felt nothing.

Nate fell to the floor, his shoulder smoldering.

Haylea laughed deep and sinister.

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Nate’s Vengeance

Posted on May 10, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “Unsafe Wherever“
~~~

“I planted Jack in your security detail,” Emperor Nate could not help but smile, “then had him escort you here without anyone else in your administration knowing.” Nate turned on a holo-vid of a news report.

“We have confirmed reports that the Presidential Palace on the Moon was attacked, but still no sign of President Caitlin anywhere. It is assumed the President has gone missing, but Presidential staff vehemently deny—” the news feed cut off.

“Why would you do this Nate?” Caitlin asked.

“Because you two are always in the spotlight, always getting all the attention. Not anymore. Jack, shoot them.”

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Harry S. Truman

Posted on May 8, 2011 by Eric

Harry S. TrumanHarry S. Truman
Thirty-Third President
Served April 12, 1945 – January 20, 1953
Party: Democratic

Born: May 8, 1884 in Lamar, Missouri
Died: December 26, 1972 in Kansas City, Missouri
Favorite Rejected Name for Atomic Bomb: Boom-Boom McWilly

Despite his diminutive size, Harry S. Truman was one of the most feared presidents ever. He was constantly teased by the other children in Independence, Missouri for not having a middle name, only an initial. They called him by the names the “S” must have stood for including Slendernose, Sluglover, and Sophomore-Jim. They weren’t very creative kids. Unable to fight back due to his wimpy frame, a burning searing anger kindled up inside Truman right below his unassuming features.

His anger temporarily showed through when a soldier in World War I. The commander of an artillery regiment in France, Truman preferred to kill Germans with his own hands, his glasses glinting in the European sun, daring the unfortunate German to call him a name beginning with the letter S.

Back in the States, Truman quickly ascended the political ladder by first becoming a county judge and then a US Senator from the state of Missouri, then President Franklin Roosevelt’s Vice President in 1944. Truman was only Vice President 82 days when President Roosevelt died on April 12, 1945. The official story has been that Roosevelt suffered from a cerebral hemorrhage, but sources having access to still-classified autopsy photos say there are multiple bruises consistent with his wheelchair being pushed down a flight of stairs. Truman was said to have been furious the day he found out Roosevelt a cripple.

By the time Truman became president, World War II had ended in Europe, but still raged in the Pacific. Truman was faced with the prospect of an invasion of mainland Japan and numerous casualties. A message was sent to Japan demanding surrender. The message returned sent Truman into a burning searing anger. It read: “Shodaku shimasu.”

Two hours later Hiroshima lay in ruins, the victim of the first atomic bomb.

Preceded by Franklin D. Roosevelt
Succeeded by Dwight D. Eisenhower

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Unsafe Wherever

Posted on May 7, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “The Emperor”
~~~

“Did you have an enjoyable trip here?” Emperor Nate said from his throne placed atop a tall procession of steps.

“We had to stowaway in a cargo vessel, and then travel through back passages through the entire city to get here!” President Caitlin was exhausted and perturbed.

“We’re seeking political asylum,” Viceroy Haylea added, “It’s unsafe for us anywhere else.”

“Oh, I know,” Nate slowly rose from his seat and began walking down the steps. “I know.”
From behind the two women two loud clicks sounded. Caitlin’s security guard, Jack, held guns aimed at both estranged leaders.

“Jack?” Caitlin whispered. “Why?”

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