James Buchanan

James Buchanan
Fifteenth President
Served March 4, 1857 – March 4, 1861
Party: Democratic

Born: April 23, 1791 in Mercersburg, Pennsylvania
Died: June 1, 1868 in Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Favorite Insult Used Against Him Because It Hurt the Least of All Others: “Dough-Face”

James Buchanan is consistently ranked as one of the worst Presidents in United States history, only because he failed to stop a little thing called the American Civil War. Everyone’s a critic, right?

There are many reasons why James Buchanan did not address the growing ferment spreading throughout the country, and even in his own Democratic Party which began severing in North-South regional divides. None of them are particularly satisfying.

At the end of his life, James Buchanan published a memoir entitled Mr. Buchanan’s Administration on the Eve of the Rebellion, which was full of tales of what exactly kept President James Buchanan so busy as to not save the nation from self-destruction. Detailed in the memoir is President Buchanan’s daring one-man mission to save the earth from the dreaded Moonmen invasion. The entire War Department’s budget for 1859 was used to build a kerosene-powered rocket train and a ramped track that would fling President Buchanan into the outer reaches of the heavens where he intercepted the Moonmen fleet and set ablaze their advanced hot air balloons of death. Another event described includes a sword fight James Buchanan had with two female ninja assassins in the White House on the evening of October 14, 1857. The account goes into excruciatingly detailed blow-for-blow commentary on the fight, and then inexplicably becomes disturbingly erotic, like James Buchanan was writing some awful Mary Sue fan fiction. No surviving copy of Mr. Buchanan’s Administration on the Eve of the Rebellion is free from a smattering of regurgitated sick of the unfortunate past readers on these pages.

All such claims that President Buchanan was a savior of mankind or had seduced two female ninjas at once have never been corroborated with any other sources.

Preceded by Franklin Pierce
Succeeded by Abraham Lincoln