Monthly Archives: February 2011

Classic Brief Conceits VI

Posted on February 25, 2011 by Eric

Can't Get It RightCan’t Get It Right – May 15, 2010

Fowler FamilyFowler Family – November 24, 2009

Guardian AngelsGuardian Angels – June 27, 2008

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Intersororital Conflict

Posted on February 23, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “The Viceroy of Venus“
~~~Intersororital ConflictFive years previously Caitlin was in her first term. She was brimming with ideas to make the Moon the premiere heavenly body within the Solar System. However, not everyone had as good intentions for the Moon, including Caitlin’s older sister, Haylea.

“Where is security?” Caitlin fumed. “Haylea was banished from the Moon!”

“Dear sister, that was before I became the Viceroy of Venus. I enjoy the full benefits of diplomatic immunity now.” Viceroy Haylea grinned devilishly.

“I’ll have the Venusian delegation withdrawn,” Caitlin said through gritted teeth.

“And cause an interplanetary incident? I don’t think so.”

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Teapot

Posted on February 22, 2011 by Eric

TeapotJames dove into the car with several comically large tan bags with dollar signs on them. He didn’t think they actually had those at banks, but this was an entire day of firsts for him: Robbing a bank, threatening a pretty bank teller with a gun, slipping his phone number hastily scratched onto a business card into said bank teller’s hands as he made his getaway. Now all that was left was exciting car chase from the police.

“Step on it, Frank!” James yelled as he pulled the back door shut.

“I’m a little teapot short and stout–” Frank sang timidly, his voice faltering once. The car remained in park.

James sighed. He forgot that when Frank got really nervous he would sing children’s songs. “We don’t have time for this, Frank!”

“–here is my handle–” Frank continued.

“Frank?” The police had arrived and began surrounding the car.

“–HERE IS MY SPOUT!” Frank screamed more than sang.

“Shut your spout and punch it!”

Suddenly Frank popped the car into first and slammed on the gas. “WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT!” He ran over three policemen. “TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!”

James sighed in relief. They made it out. Not as clean as he hoped, but out nonetheless.

…Then he remembered the business card he had slipped the teller had come from his own pocket.

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The Viceroy of Venus

Posted on February 21, 2011 by Eric

Continued from “Caitlin“
~~~The Viceroy of Venus“The delegation from Venus has arrived,” the chief of staff, Marcy Waters, swallowed her fear as she addressed the President of the Moon (and also Mars).

Caitlin growled in frustration, “They were supposed to be here yesterday. Don’t they know my time is valuable? The Moon (and also Mars) won’t president itself!”

“It seems the ambassador is not among the delegation,” Marcy tried to interject.

“So now the Viceroyalty of Venus mocks me by not even sending the ambassador?” Caitlin practically screamed.

The door to the president’s office opened. Caitlin’s face turned white.

The Viceroy of Venus smiled, “Why hello, sister.”

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Classic Brief Conceits V

Posted on February 18, 2011 by Eric

20102010 – January 1, 2010

JerrodJerrod – September 14, 2009

The Search for the Fountain of YouthThe Search for the Fountain of Youth – September 5, 2008

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Shy

Posted on February 17, 2011 by Eric

From time immemorial, when the heavens and the earth were but faint wisps of thought in the Creator’s mind, the plan for Harvey’s suffering had been put in place. The grand cosmic joke that was to be Harvey’s life had been all accounted for, and was greatly anticipated by the heavenly hosts that praised the Creator’s wisdom and forethought in such a brilliant scheme. Somewhere in the ethereal plane of existence where a myriad of angels sang praises to the Creator, there was a verse that went into gruesome detail about how Harvey’s life sucked. Then the angels would burst out laughing, and so too would the Creator Himself.

Harvey wished he could convince others of this cosmic truth, that God hated him. He longed for the chance to explain why his life had been a series of grand and fantastic failures that could only be explained by the intervention of a cruel deity bent on Harvey’s grand humiliation. No one would listen. People had long since stopped listening. Harvey grew shy and could no longer face them. He could no longer face the world. He removed himself from society, from everything. He no longer wished to be a part of creation.

Harvey had found for himself a place up in a mountain cave where he could protect himself from judging stares of a populace who did not understand him, and the wicked sight of a God who did not love him. There he lived much as he imagined man was meant to live. He sustained himself from what the earth provided, and he was content. No longer did he misfile paperwork, or rear-end vehicles on the highway. No longer did he even have to worry or explain to other people why he was the most-cursed person on the planet. Life was as it should be.

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Singles Awareness Day

Posted on February 14, 2011 by Eric

Singles Awareness DayAre you single? Do you spend countless hours crying to yourself in the dead of night? Do you refer to Valentine’s Day as Singles Awareness Day and talk about love cynically so you won’t have to face your crippling loneliness with any real objectivity?

If you answered yes to the first question, you also answered yes to the others.

Don’t feel down if you’re alone this Valentine’s Day. The unihump heart, a treasured symbol of love and unity untainted by corporate card-makers, can also be used as a symbol of singular strength in solitude.

The unihump heart: Not just for lovers!

~~~
Click here to learn more about the cherished as-of-yet-unexploited-by-corporate-America symbol of love: The Unihump Heart

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Classic Brief Conceits IV

Posted on February 11, 2011 by Eric

Seafood NightSeafood Night – September 9, 2010

Biblical PunsBiblical Puns – September 9, 2009

The Case of the Clueless DetectiveThe Case of the Clueless Detective – June 7, 2008

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Frustrations of a Writer

Posted on February 10, 2011 by Eric

Frustrations of a Writer“All the good ideas have been taken!” Samuel cried out in slightly exaggerated frustration. “Trucks come to life and kill humanity, computers become sentient and kill humanity, a guy goes in for surgery—turns out he was secretly a robot and he didn’t know it . . . then he kills humanity.”

“You’re really stuck on this ‘killing humanity’ vibe,” Paula said.

“It’s just that I can’t think of any stories to write that haven’t already been written,” Samuel slumped into his chair. “It makes me so mad I just want to . . . want to . . .”

“Kill humanity?”

“No . . . Yes!”

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Grant

Posted on February 9, 2011 by Eric

Grant“What’s your plan, Doctor Malevolent?” Captain Amazing said through gritted teeth as he struggled in vain against the nega-beams holding him. “What is the endgame?”

Doctor Malevolent smiled wickedly. “Endgame. Such an appropriate word for this occasion. Grant me an opportunity to inform you of my plans,” Doctor Malevolent turned to the monitor with the countdown display (currently at 04:13:27). “In approximately four minutes the world will be destroyed. My super-virus has already infected all major military computer networks across the globe. It only needs to be activated, and then all missile installations will be under my control. The vast arsenal of the United States and Russia alone will destroy the world a hundred times over in sweet beautiful nuclear annihilation.”

“But you’ll be destroyed along with everyone else! Why would you do that?” Captain Amazing’s eyes betrayed a hint of fear swelling deep within him.

“I’ve grown tired of this game called life, Captain.” Doctor Malevolent said. “It’s time to to bring things to a close.” Doctor Malevolent sighed. “I rather hoped it would not be this easy, the destruction of the human race. All well. We can’t have everything we want, can we? Make peace with your God, Captain Amazing. You have two and a half minutes.”

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