Monthly Archives: September 2010

Gender Confusion (from “Buy My eBook”)

TWS/HS (That’s What S/he Said)

You’re a sexist. Everyone who speaks English is. That’s why there are different rules for writing in English so you won’t appear like the sexist you are.

You must switch up the gender pronouns you use. If you don’t, you’ll be perceived as biased. So change genders every other sentence, or better yet within a sentence.

Example: An author does not want the world to judge him, so she makes confusing cosmetic changes to his work to appear inclusive.

Now no one can accuse you of being a sexist, because they won’t understand what you wrote.

~~~
Check out the other interesting excerpts from the only guide to writing you will ever need: Buy My eBook: An Author’s Guide to Being an Author!

Posted in 101 word short story, Buy My eBook | 3 Comments

Concentration

Mike sits slumped over his desk, face in his hands. “This is crazy Mike,” he says aloud to himself. “Just concentrate on your work.” He does not sound very convincing to himself, but he tries.

The words on his computer screen are indistinct. The more Mike tries to focus on the words the more they escape comprehension. He shakes his head, and the words are gone. In their place is her face.

She smiles. Mike shakes his head. “No. No. NO!” he screams. “Get out of my head.” Like a toothed hook, the more Mike pulls at his thoughts of her, the more they become embedded, the more painful they become as well.

Mike slumps over on his desk, face in his hands. He repeats the cycle.

~~~
This is a story written in five minutes for the 5MinuteFiction contest held weekly at Write Me! We’re given a prompt of one word (this week was “concentration”) and then we write a story in five minutes.

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The Meaning of Life

The Meaning of LifeA steady stream of disciples crawls up the mountain for several grueling days for the chance to talk to the man who has done nothing in his life except sit on a mountain.

“What is the meaning of life?” or something similarly worded is the most common question he is asked.

He answers, “Love.”

The disciple nods his head in agreement. “Of course! It’s all so simple.” Then he climbs back down.

The man who does nothing changes up the answer from time to time. It gets boring sitting on a mountain. For twenty-seven disciples the meaning of life was bagels.

Posted in 101 word short story | 1 Comment

An Excerpt from “Buy My eBook: An Author’s Guide to Being an Author”

ENCI (Emperor’s New Clothes It)

Writing is all about convincing other people that you are a good writer. It has nothing to do with art or story.

That’s why you should just pretend you are good at writing by using the technique called Emperor’s New Clothes It.

If your writing is understandable and straight forward, people will not be impressed. That is why you need to add in unnecessary metaphors, moral uncertainty, and fuliginous composition. If you ENCI people will assume your work is smart and sophisticated, and by extension you as well.

Authors highlighted on NPR are masters at ENCI.

~~~
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Posted in 101 word short story, Buy My eBook | 1 Comment

If Only It Was This Simple

Desperate times call for desperate measures, he thought as he placed the gun to his head. There was no turning back now.

“Get out!” he shouted. Sweat poured down over his face and neck. His finger itched against the trigger. “I’m not kidding. I’m giving you to the count of three. One. Two. Thr—”

A tiny worm crawled out the ear opposite the side the gun was on. It fell to the floor with a squishy thud.

It was the thoughts of that girl that had burrowed itself so deeply in his brain. Without remorse he crushed it with his heel.

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Posted in 101 word short story, Buy My eBook | 4 Comments

A Metaphor?

The sign reads “Happiness” and has a large arrow pointing toward a large pit in the ground. Several people jump in; none is ever seen again. The conventional assumption is that no one in their right minds would return to a world of unhappiness if happiness can be found only one tumble away.

Mortimer watches the Happiness pit almost every day. He’s fairly certain that the pit leads to a gruesome death instead; the bone-chilling impacts would seem to confirm that. It has been so long since Mortimer has even smiled that he is not so sure there is a difference.

Posted in 101 word short story | 4 Comments

What Could Go Wrong?

The thawing process had completed. Despite her pale-blue form and lifeless eyes, she looked as vibrant as ever to him.

“Soon,” Doctor Henry Goldman said. “Very soon and we will be together again. How long we’ve waited these twenty years.” He suddenly felt cognizant of his own age. “How old you will think I have grown.”

His fingers caressed the cold dead flesh of Christina’s face. His lips kissed hers. Dr. Goldman fought through the tears and flipped the switch.

“They called me crazy,” Henry Goldman had prepared a long rambling monologue as was appropriate for such occasions. “Maybe I am . . .”

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The NeverEnding Choose Your Own Adventure

1. You find yourself staring down the barrel of a gun. “It doesn’t have to end like this,” Juarez says, finger shaking on the trigger. Do you beg for your life (Go to 2) or call Juarez’s bluff (Go to 3)?

2. You fall to your knees and appeal to Juarez’s better nature. He frowns in disgust and pulls the trigger. (Go to 4)

3. “You don’t got the guts,” you say with your best tough guy voice. Juarez smirks and pulls the trigger. (Go to 4)

4. You and Juarez are inexplicably pulled through a time warp. (Go to 1)

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Letter of Recommendation

I was recently asked to write a letter of recommendation for a friend’s college application. Here is what I came up with:
~~~

To Whom It May Concern:

It is my greatest pleasure to introduce to you the very talented Haylea G—. She is without exaggeration the greatest person to have walked the earth in at least the past 560 years, possibly even the last 783 years (but I won’t try to push the point).

It is most likely that we will have a woman president before Haylea is eligible, but it is virtually guaranteed that she will be the second woman to be president of these United States. She will essentially be the John Adams of women presidents. To put that into perspective, she may be forgotten for a few generations, but in due time her greatness will be understood by a popular historical author who will write a New York Times bestseller based upon her life that will get optioned for a HBO miniseries special in which the part of Haylea will be played by an Oscar-nominated actress. In the scene where she enters into university, do you really want your school to be ridiculed as the one that did not accept her application? What I am saying is that it would be an extraordinary blow to your school’s reputation to not accept Ms. G— into your esteemed halls of learning. Generations from now you will be known as “the university that failed to note the genius of Haylea G— as depicted in the award-winning HBO miniseries ‘Haylea G—’ available on DVD and Bluray Disc.” You don’t want that to happen, do you? Eternal shame throughout the ages would not do well for your alumni pledge drives.

It is with this in mind that I wholly support and wish for you to consider Ms. Haylea G—. Your reputation, nay, your very future rests in her capable hands.

Yours Etc.
~Eric Hamilton Esq.

~~~
This is the same Haylea that inspired my very second 101 word short story over two years ago: Inspired by Haylea. Even now she continues to inspire!

Posted in letters from eric, other short stories | Tagged , | 3 Comments