1. Change letters in your name to currency symbols. For example: Eric becomes €ri¢.
2. Can’t sing? Have a computer do it.
3. Substitute lyrics that have subtlety and meaning with Family Guy-esque references that make people feel smart for “getting it.”
4. Make the chorus at most five words.
5. Repeat the chorus at a minimum thirty times.
6. Liberally spread sensual gasps and/or moans throughout the song.
7. In other words: Appeal to the lowest common denominator: Teenagers.
8. Be an attractive blonde female under the age of 25, or a boy who looks like he’s 12. Either one.
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Who does number 1, anyway?
“Ke$ha,” he says as he pukes a little.
I guess this is why I’ll never be a pop music sensation. *sighs wistfully*
A man can dream, though. A man can dream.