Monthly Archives: April 2010

Awesome Beard

Posted on April 30, 2010 by Eric

“I haven’t seen Wilson lately,” said Feldman, “Where’d he get off to?”

“Oh? You didn’t hear?” Lloyd’s raised eyebrows dug significant ridges into his forehead. “Wilson’s beard was declared a National Treasure.”

“What?” Feldman nearly dropped his coffee.

“There was a resolution passed by Congress, and a ceremony at the White House and everything.”

“How does a beard get declared a National Treasure?”

“Dude. You saw Wilson’s beard, right? It was pretty sweet, right?”

“I guess,” Feldman said reluctantly.

“So sweet the country couldn’t afford to lose it,” Lloyd said, “He’ll be back on Monday as a loan from the Smithsonian.”

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A Cautionary Tale

Posted on April 29, 2010 by Eric

“Hey, Eric,” the responsible voice in your head says, “You have the whole day ahead of you. Why not write a story first thing, so it’s out of the way.”

“Nah,” you say, “I still got time.”

A little later the voice says, “It’s your lunch break, but you could squeeze in a story. They’re only 101 words long.”

“I’d rather eat,” you say, “and watch clips of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on Hulu.”

Several days later the voice says, “Are you ever going to actually post a story?”

“You can’t rush genius, voice-in-my-head!” you say refreshing Twitter yet again.

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Group Therapy

Posted on April 28, 2010 by Eric

Group Therapy“We’ve added some new faces to our group therapy circle, so why don’t we introduce ourselves to get better acquainted?” said Dr. Keller.

“I’m Lyle, and I have an irrational fear that my fears are completely and verifiably well-founded.”

“Hi. I’m Janine, and I have an unhealthy obsession with eighties rock which I also think is fresh and relevant for today.”

“Yo! My name’s Matthew, but my friends call me Matty G!” Dr. Keller shook his head at Matthew. “N-nobody actually calls me Matty G.”

“I’m in the wrong place,” the man with a real problem said, “You all need help!”

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Career Preparation

Posted on April 26, 2010 by Eric

“I got onto the bus as I always do, but today was different. Today, everyone gawked at me as I walked down the sticky aisle toward the back,” Billy said, “I sat down next to my best friend, Robert.” Billy sat down next to his best friend, Robert.

“What are you doing, Billy?” Robert asked.

“Robert asked. ‘I’ve decided that if I want to live my dream, then I’ve got to start now,’ I said,” Billy said.

“What dream?” Robert asked.

“Robert asked, clearly too dense to understand,” Billy said.

“Hey!”

“‘My dream of being a narrator,’ I said,” Billy said.

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An Ode to Coffee

Posted on April 25, 2010 by Eric

O coffee, sweetest of bitter brews!
It is for you I crave in the early hours.
From the depths of sleep you save me.
“Awake!” you cry in the morning.
“O slumbering man, awake!
Awake from your dreams and begin to dream
Of a bright future that starts with a single cup.
Forget you now drink the whole pot.
Avoid the discussion of caffeine addiction.
Ignore the fact you’ve personified coffee in a poem.”
O coffee, my dear and only friend!
I cannot live without you.
I don’t have a problem, do I, coffee?
You’d never lie to me, coffee, right?

Posted in 101 word short story, poetry | 2 Comments

Change

Posted on April 24, 2010 by Eric

“Look. I’m not trying to change you. I’m just saying everything you’re doing now has got to change.”

“I’m not sure I understand the difference,” Randy rubbed his throbbing head.

“I’m not interested in making you someone you aren’t,” Mr. Miller explained, “That wouldn’t be good for you. I want you to be the best you you can possibly be.”

“Okay?”

“And to be the best you you’ll need to change everything.”

“See, this is where you lose me,” Randy said, “It really does seem like you’re wanting to change me.”

“No, no, no,” said Mr. Miller, “Just everything about you.”

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Refind Your Happiness

Posted on April 23, 2010 by Eric

“How are you doing today?” she asked after taking my order

“I’m fine,” I said, “How are you?”

“I’m okay, or I will be okay,” the Starbucks barista sighed, “Want to try a sample?” She handed me a chocolate chip cookie piece.

“Sure.”

“It’s good, isn’t it? Just like homemade. They make me happy—made me happy,” her eyes looked off to nowhere.

“They don’t make you happy anymore?” I asked.

“I haven’t had one in a long time,” she sighed again, “Venti Americano with cream.”

I take my order, “Why don’t you refind your happiness in a chocolate chip cookie?”

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Crisis of Infinite Nerds

Posted on April 22, 2010 by Eric

“Greetings!” a nebulous voice greets the bewildered superheroes. “I am Drenrepus of Θ-verse. My true form is inconceivable to your minds. I have taken a form you can comprehend!”

“I can’t see you,” Batboy says. Others murmur in agreement.

“What? Seriously? But you can hear me, right? How about now?”

“Now you’re an adorable kitten,” Lead Man says.

Drenrepus shrugs. “We highly evolved Θians have long been entertained by your heroic antics, but disputes have arisen as to who would win in a fight. So you will battle,” Drenrepus narrows his eyes, “to the death!“

“SULK HORRIFIED BY CUTE KITTY CAT!”

To be continued!

~~~
More adventures of the St. Louis Superheroes!

Posted in 101 word short story, batboy, crisis of infinite nerds saga, drenrepus, lead man, st. louis superheroes, the sulk | Leave a comment

The Pants Paradox

Posted on April 20, 2010 by Eric

Tonight was the night. Marcus was finally going out with Rachel. He put on his favorite pants for the occasion.

“Stop!” Future-Marcus and the professor rushed in. “I can’t explain now, but if you wear those pants our life will be ruined. I had the professor build a time machine just to warn you—me!”

“Okay, then I’ll change my paaaaaaaaaaaa—” Marcus faded from existence.

“What happened?” Future-Marcus asked.

The professor stroked his chin, “Apparently those horrendous pants were essential to the time-space continuum and without them Marcus voided himself from existence.”

“Then why am I still here?”

The professor shrugged.

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There’s a Nap for That

Posted on April 16, 2010 by Eric

Rip van Winkle shot awake. “Why do I have a beard?” he said scratching it. Then it dawned on him, “I must have been asleep for years. I’m in the future!”

Rip raced to the local coffee shop his friends used to hang out at. Justin was sitting in the corner. “Hey, Rip,” he called, “Long time no see.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Check it out,” Justin said smugly, “an iPad.”

Rip eyed it over warily. “This isn’t right. Why is it bigger than an iPhone, but has less functionality?” Then it dawned on Rip again, “Unless . . . I slept backwards through time!”

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