Yearly Archives: 2010

Scientifically Speaking

Posted on December 24, 2010 by Eric

“So calculating the speed Santa would need to go to visit every house that celebrated Christmas on the planet within a single night, Santa would need to go so fast that the friction against the air alone would be so great he would burst into flames. Santa’s not real. It’s scientifically proven.” Brendan allowed a smug smile.

“There are other equally valid theories for Santa,” Abby said, “Santa may have advanced alien technology that has friction dampeners for high speeds. Or perhaps Santa enters into an ethereal plane of existence during travel through elf-magic? Both plausibly scientific explanations!”

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He Sees You When You’re Sleeping

Posted on December 23, 2010 by Eric

Dad flicked on the lights. “What is going on in here? Why were you screaming, Billy?”

Billy’s eyes were wide open in shock, but he shook his head furiously.

“What has gotten in to you?” Dad said. “I’ve told you a thousand times there are no monsters under your bed.”

Billy’s eyes momentarily spied the window across the room. Dad looked over then back to Billy.

“There’s nothing out there,” Dad said.

From behind the window, Santa lifted. He drew his finger across his neck.

Billy let out a soft whimper.

“Now go to sleep,” said Dad switching off the lights.

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Cry of the Santa

Posted on December 22, 2010 by Eric

Andy and Chelsea were enjoying mugs of cocoa as a gentle snow fell outside.

“I’m excited for Christmas tomorrow,” Chelsea said between sips of cocoa.

Andy shot up. “It’s Christmas Eve?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“This is bad. You’ve got to leave now.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a‒” it was too late. Andy bent over in a convulsion of pain. A puffy white beard grew on his face. His stomach grew several times the size it was. “AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH-HO-HO-HO!” He screamed.

Chelsea was dumbfounded.

“I’m a weresanta,” Andy said with labored breaths, sweat pouring down his face.

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The Age of Miracles Is Past

Posted on December 20, 2010 by Eric

Myriads of letters piled up on the witness stand.

“Your Honor, every one of these letters is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office has delivered them. Therefore the Post Office Department, a branch of the Federal Government, recognizes this man Kris Kringle to be the one and only Santa Claus.” Fred Gailey said. Point and match, he added mentally.

“Mr. Gailey,” the judge pinched his nose and sighed, “This is inadmissible as evidence. I find the defendant guilty of all charges. The penalty is death!”

“But that’s not–”

“DEATH!”

There was no Christmas that year.

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You Better Watch Out

Posted on December 16, 2010 by Eric

Little Jimmy Hawthorne did not have visions of sugar plum fairies dancing through his head. Though his eyes were wide open, his visions was filled with unspeakable darkness and horror. It was Christmas Eve and he had been a naughty boy. A very naughty boy.

If only he had had the chance to explain himself to Santa at the mall. Jimmy’s mother said there wasn’t enough time. It was a death sentence. Jimmy’s one chance to make amends was forever gone.

A sound like crackling wrapping paper echoed through his room. The Christmas Humbug would feast on his naughty flesh tonight.

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Erin

Posted on December 15, 2010 by Eric

“John, I want you to meet Erin, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter from the future.” Earl beamed with pride.

“Forgot a ‘great,’” Erin said. She was sprawled on Earl’s couch eating Cheetos and watching reruns of Dexter’s Laboratory.

John was speechless.

“She forgot to bring money from this era,” Earl explained, “and all she has are Galvarian Credits, so she asked to crash here.”

“Galvaria is America (burp) in the future,” Erin added.

“Right,” said John, then taking Earl aside, “Have you considered she might be lying?”

“I considered the possibility,” Earl said, “But you know they say fact is stranger than fiction.”

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Three

Posted on December 14, 2010 by Eric

“Okay, Let’s get this straight! How many of you are there again?” Jasmine’s head was pounding from all the mental exertion.

Phillip, all of them, gave a puzzled look. “Three,” they said in unison. “It’s not that hard to figure out.”

“I’m Phillip from the present time,” Philip said.

“I’m Phillip from a war-torn apocalyptic future of horror,” Phillip said.

“And I’m Phillip also from the present time, but from an alternate reality in which mutant asparagus monsters rule the earth,” Phillip said.

Jasmine’s eyes moved from one Phillip to the next. “You all look the same. You’re even wearing the exact same shirt!”

“There was a sale a Kohl’s,” the Phillips said.

~~~
This story was a finalist in the #5MinuteFiction contest held weekly at Write Me! We’re given a prompt of one word (this week was “three”) and then we write a story in five minutes.

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The Switch

Posted on December 13, 2010 by Eric

“Here’s the problem,” the mechanic says wiping his hands with a dirty rag, “There’s grime in this switch. It’s supposed to automatically switch off when there’s an overload, but it’s stuck.”

“And that’s why I constantly think of her?” I ask trying to catch a glance at him while my head is immobilized. “This switch in my brain?”

“Yep,” he says, “Give me ten minutes, we’ll have it cleaned out, and she won’t be haunting your thoughts anymore.”

I consider it for a moment. I sigh. “No, just leave it.”

“Your call, Mac.”

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Anonymous Messages

Posted on December 10, 2010 by Eric

Friend #295: You were always a blast to hang out with, and I’ll always value our friendship.

Friend #412: Let go of much.

Friend #761: I forgive you even though you think I’m the one that needs to be forgiven.

Friend #133: My fondest memories of you are your smile and your laugh. I miss you.

Friend #528: I wish I could tell you I love you, but I know I cannot.

Friend #407: Kindly remember that it is rude to drink straight from the jug of milk, especially when I’m the one who bought it! Who even does that? Seriously!

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How I Imagine Most Products Are Made

Posted on December 9, 2010 by Eric

“Gentlemen, we have a problem,” Mr. McCaughey said. It seemed to open every board of directors meeting recently. “Our esteemed CEO went on a drunken spending spree last night and purchased ten million pounds of sea kelp.”

Groans filled the conference room.

“We’re a shampoo company! What are we going to do with seaweed?” said one of the directors.

“Let’s just put it in the shampoo. Call it something exotic. Get a hip young surfer to endorse it.” The plan was met with several murmurs of agreement.

“But does kelp actually do anything for your hair?” The question was soundly ignored.

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