Monthly Archives: December 2009

Gifutoman was waiting for Santa on the summit of Mount Fuji.

“Your reign ends now, Gifutoman!” Santa said. “I’m canceling Christmas!”

“You cannot cancel Christmas,” Gifutoman said in the English dub (supposedly Gifutoman is better with the Japanese voice and English subtitles), “Only with rampant materialism can we recover from this worldwide recession.” Gifutoman shot rockets from his elbows.

Santa dodged. “What about charity and goodwill toward men?” Santa said as he pummeled Gifutoman into submission.

The children of the world woke up to stockings full of coal, and developed a cynical spirit that followed them the rest of their lives.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

“There is only one solution,” Santa’s voice carried with it a stoic steadiness that it never really had before. The laughter had ended. His belly was rock candy hard with conviction. “Every child is on the naughty list this year.”

“You can’t put every child on the naughty list!” Jangle the elf protested, “That’s— that’s—”

“—the truth,” Santa said, the twinkle now gone from his eye, “If children are so consumed with material things, then they will be better off if Christmas just didn’t come this year.”

“What about Gifutoman?” Jangle asked.

“I’ll take care of Gifutoman,” Santa narrowed his eyes.

To be concluded . . .

Gifutoman!
You are number one best!
Gifutoman!
Give us gifts!
It is now the Christmas time!
Peace on Earth and fighting crime!
Gifutoman!

Santa watched with horror as the Christmas special, Gifutoman Super Kurisumasu GX‘s theme song played on the television. “This is horrible! It’s consumerism at its worst! This isn’t what Christmas is supposed to be about at all!”

Jangle the elf mumbled, “You know, you’re partly to blame, Santa.”

“What? No! How?”

“Your focus on presents just made the children eager for more. And Gifutoman just gives out presents indiscriminately regardless of behavior. Can you really blame the children?”

To be continued . . .

Gifutoman had taken the world by storm. Children everywhere had abandoned Santa Claus for the sleek new Japanese character that brought gifts to children on Christmas and then battled gigantic robotic dinosaurs from the future.

“Gifutoman Super Kurisumasu GX has completely replaced all of the classic Christmas standards: Rudolph, Frosty, Shrek the Halls,” Jangle listed.

Santa pounded his plump fist on his desk, “Not Shrek the Halls!”

“Kids just love the anime Japanese stuff nowadays,” Jangle said, “It was a matter of time.”

“No!” Santa’s cheeks reddened like roses . . . angry roses. “I refuse to be ousted by a cheap Japanese knock-off!”

To be continued . . .

Jangle the elf approached the desk of his employer, the fat man himself, Santa Claus.

“Weren’t you supposed to bring the mail?” Santa asked Jangle with a befuddled look.

“I did,” with that Jangle handed Santa three envelopes, two of which were bills.

“What’s this?” Santa gasped, “It’s nearly Christmas and I only received one letter?” He quickly opened it and read it aloud: “‘Dear Santa, I’ve already asked Gifutoman what I wanted for Christmas, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to cover my bases. I want a Red Ryder—’ Gifutoman? What’s a Gifutoman?”

“The Japanese version of you,” Jangle explained.

To be continued . . .