Monthly Archives: October 2009

Trick-or-Treat

Posted on October 31, 2009 by Eric

“Trick-or-Treat!” the neighborhood kids said in anxious expectation.

“Gadzooks! Tiny accursed fiends from beyond the grave threatening me with malicious tomfoolery!” cried Sir Gregory (knight from the past somehow now in the present day). He drew his sword, “Away foul hellion! I shall not fall prey to your subterfuge!”

The children scattered as Sir Gregory swung madly.

“No, Sir Gregory!” Timothy ran to the door. “They’re just kids. Just give them candy.”

Sir Gregory pondered, “So this ‘candy’ as you call it has exorcistical properties to drive the demons out of the youth? Quite marvelous inventions of the future!”

Timothy sighed.

~~~
Other adventures of Sir Gregory of Cornwall in the present-day

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Lytton’s Bad Habit

Posted on October 30, 2009 by Eric

The large black bag fell to the floor with a heavy KA-THUMP!

“There’s another one for you,” Lytton said with the indifference of a postal worker looking at a line of innumerable customers three minutes to quitting time.

Gilroy sighed and flung the bag over his shoulder, “Seventh this week.”

“I can’t help it,” Lytton confessed, “It’s their fault for tempting me!”

“Except they just breathe, and you’re overcome by temptation.”

“That’s not true! You’re breathing and I’ve only tried,” Lytton counted on his fingers, “four times with you.”

“Five.”

“Just bury it, and stop judging me!” Lytton left the cemetery.

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Really Scary Story

Posted on October 29, 2009 by Eric

“Okay, I got one,” Dane was about to participate in a well-honored tradition among children: telling a scary story while holding a flashlight under your face. “One dark and scary night, there was this kid—”

“Heard it!”

“Shut up, Kevin!”

Dane continued, “There was this kid who wanted to get on the internet but he couldn’t.”

The huddled group of kids fell silent in terror.

“The internet . . . was down!“

All the children screamed.

“Then he checked his phone. It was dead, and he had misplaced his charger!”

“But how did he check his text messages?” Sandy asked.

“He didn’t!“

More screams.

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Fleshed Out

Posted on October 28, 2009 by Eric

The devastated urban landscape slowly fell apart. Like most of the inhabitants of earth, the structures of civilization were also slowly decomposing and devouring themselves until eventually it would be gone.

However, nature also has its unexpected quirks. While most of humanity had become mindless flesh-eating zombies, one zombie still maintained his self-awareness. His name was George.

“I think I’ve lost the taste for rotting flesh,” George told his zombie-dog Frank (Frank was not self-aware). “I really don’t care for it anymore, and sometimes I think I’m just gorging on human flesh to fit in, you know?”

Frank’s tail wagged off.

~~~
More ordeals of George the self-aware zombie

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The Return of the Vam-Bot-Pire

Posted on October 27, 2009 by Eric

The Return of the Vam-Bot-PireThe evening fog pours into the room from the now open window. A figure enters, cold and mechanical.

The cold night air jolts Katherine awake. Seeing the boxy mechanical man in a black cape standing over her, she reaches for the stake on her nightstand and jams it into the beast’s chest, but to no avail.

“I AM IMPERVIOUS TO STAKES, GARLIC, SUNLIGHT,” the vam-bot-pire states, “TRULY, I AM THE PERFECT MONSTER!”

Thinking quickly Katherine grabs a pitcher of water, also on her nightstand, and casts it onto the creature.

“WATER! MY ONE WEAKNESS! ALSO COMPUTER VIRUSES!” The vam-bot-pire shorts out.

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Career Advice

Posted on October 26, 2009 by Eric

“You could learn a thing or two from me, Anderson,” Mr. McCaughey said.

“Yessir,” Anderson squeaked.

“First thing: Don’t talk while I’m talking.”

“Yes—” Anderson caught himself.

“You don’t make it to the top without cracking a few eggs, Anderson.” Mr. McCaughey paused. “Did you hear me? How can I know you’re listening if you don’t say something?”

“Yessir. Crack some eggs, sir.”

“Don’t interrupt me, Anderson. Now, what I mean, of course, is destroy a few people’s careers. It’s a lot easier to move up the ranks when you decimate the competition.”

“But isn’t that unethical, sir?”

Mr. McCaughey laughed.

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We Jumped

Posted on October 25, 2009 by Eric

The first step is the biggest step, or so they say. I stood on the precipice of a grand adventure both figuratively and literally.

Only two minutes before I had been living a relatively boring and safe (I must stress “safe”) life, then she raced into my hotel room, gunshots roaring behind her. She grabbed my hand and before I even had time to think we were on the side of the hotel looking seven stories down.

She was still holding my hand. “Trust me,” she said.

Men in black knocked the door in and filed into my room.

We jumped.

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Still a Monster

Posted on October 24, 2009 by Eric

Continued from “The Candyman” and “Cheering Up a Sulking Sulk.”
~~~

Ever since his overdose on nuclear-infused anti-depressants, Doctor Bobby Bippus became the crazed bipolar monster known as the Incredible Sulk. With every change of mood came a change of color and devastating powers.

The Sulk turned a new hue never before seen: Yellow.

“FOR FIRST TIME SULK FEEL HAPPY!”

“Success!” cried General Oppenheimer. “Good work, Candyman.”

“I can wrap rainbows in a sigh,” said the Candyman.

Oppenheimer sighed, “I know! I know!”

“SULK SO HAPPY!” and with a flick of his wrist, the Sulk flipped over a city bus. “SO HAPPY!”

Oppenheimer slapped the Candyman upside the head, “This isn’t better!”

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

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Cheering Up a Sulking Sulk

Posted on October 23, 2009 by Eric

Continued from “The Candyman.”
~~~

The Incredible Sulk smashed two cars together and then let out a heavyhearted sigh, “SULK FEEL LIKE SULK SMASH THINGS JUST BECAUSE THINGS THERE AND SMASHABLE.” He was beginning to turn a hue of blue to reflect his changing mood.

“I know what can cheer you up,” said a man who seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

“WHAT DOES CREEPY MUSTACHE MAN HAVE THAT CHEER SULK UP?”

“I take tomorrow, dip it in a dream, separate the sorrow, and collect up all the cream!”

The Sulk stood silent for a moment, “WHAT?”

“I’m the Candyman,” the Candyman grumbled.

“CANDY?! SULK LOVE CANDY!”

To be continued . . .

~~~
More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

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The Candyman

Posted on October 22, 2009 by Eric

“We’ve tried taking out the Sulk with bombs and bullets, then we tried psychiatry, but that didn’t work,” General Oppenheimer explained to the gathering of military officials, “so now we’ve decided to kill the beast . . . with kindness! Say hello to the Candyman.”

A good-natured man with a perpetual smile and creepy mustache approached, “Good evening, officers. Anyone care for a lollipop?”

Three hands rose.

General Oppenheimer continued, “He can take a sunrise, sprinkle it in dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two.”

“Who can?”

“The Candyman can. He mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.”

To be continued . . .

~~~

More adventures of the Incredible Sulk

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