Monthly Archives: July 2009

Betrayal

Posted on July 31, 2009 by Eric

We were not of the same tribe by birth, but we were as kin. We were brothers in all but blood. We both swore an oath to the same lord. He accepted us as kinsmen, and so too expected the same from us.

Why then, when the lord was away, did you betray me, man who was my brother? What honor is there in lies and deceit? You hunted me down as a partridge in the mountains. You turned those I most loved against me.

When our lord returns, what will he say, betrayer? What will he do with a kinsmen-slayer?

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Several Years Ago

Posted on July 30, 2009 by Eric

“I asked for these days off back in September,” I tried to reason with the manager. “These are the days of my finals.”

“But you’re scheduled for those days. You’re going to be letting the rest of your team members down if you skip out on work.”

“Are you trying to guilt me into skipping finals?” I asked. “I seriously don’t think that I am going to look back on my life twenty years from now and say, ‘Why did I put so much effort into college? I really wish I had spent more time at Target!’”

He turned red. “Fine!”

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Socially Inept

Posted on July 29, 2009 by Eric

“Hey! I am the . . . what is my . . . up . . . dawg . . . skillet,” the inflection in the socially inept guy’s voice went up an octave.

“Were you asking a question?” Frank asked. “Because I literally could not tell.”

“No. . . Yes? I don’t know . . . really. Maybe,” his voice kind of trailed off.

“Look, man, maybe you should lie down or something. Take a load off.”

“Yes, that’s . . . that’s good, that’s . . . a good idea, I think . . . think I’ll . . . lie down for . . . a something while . . . down,” his voice trailed off again.

UNEXPECTED TWIST ENDING: The socially inept guy is the author of this blog! Dun dun DUN!

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Conspiracy Theories in Space

Posted on July 28, 2009 by Eric

Bill McIrish glowered, but that was normal, “Questions continue to be raised concerning Vithor Lovenstein’s legal status and qualifications to be president. I’m joined by attention-loving-conspiracy-theorist Cletus Barycenter. Explain for the space-folks the problem exactly.”

“We simply don’t know anything about Lovenstein. Is he a Body-Snatcher from the Nega-Zone? Did he travel here from the future and use his future knowledge of his own election victory to win the election? Without a space-birth certificate, we simply don’t know!”

“To be fair, Lovenstein’s released numerous documents refuting these accusations.”

“What’s he hiding? He’s going through incredible lengths to counter these ridiculous allegations!”

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

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A Dangerous Combination

Posted on July 27, 2009 by Eric

I discovered him lying there in a pool of Flintstones brand vitamins, Cherry Coke, and his own vomit. I shook my head in disdain. “What made you do it, Charlie?” I asked myself out loud knowing full well the answer. “I’m sorry, Charlie.”

Fifteen years ago the birds were singing a carefree song, and we were all singing along. Life was a lot simpler back then. The sun still shined fifteen years ago, and Charlie wasn’t dead, hopped up on too much caffeine and children’s nutritional supplements. They were the ‘gummie’ kind. They didn’t have those when I was a kid.

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One Sentence Story Collection V

Posted on July 26, 2009 by Eric

“I’m sorry Mrs. Jablonski, but your robot’s got severe rust-itis and will have to be shut down . . . permanently,” the robo-mechanic said.

Like clockwork, the clock worked.

After losing my third finger, I thought maybe I should have looked at those instructions after all.

Coach Vaughn aligned the metal bat with the kneecap, “You’re just going to have to take one for the team, Johnny.”

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Galactic Arbiter

Posted on July 25, 2009 by Eric

“—and that’s why we need universal health care coverage, because if the universe gets sick, we all suffer, being within the universe,” Galactic Federation President Vithor Lovenstein finished his talking points at the Space Press Conference. “Questions? Karl Jibberjabber, GPR?”

“Mr. President, Galactic Federation citizens Über Johnson and Forthright Forthrite are having a dispute over space-hedge clippers allegedly lent with ever being returned. What are you going to do about this dispute?”

“Obviously, Mr. Forthrite is in the wrong. His complaint is silly; also he should consider trimming his nose hairs once in a while. Can anyone say, ‘Yuck?’ Next question?”

~~~
More stories concerning Galactic Federation Politics

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High School Harassment

Posted on July 24, 2009 by Eric

“What is this? What are you nerds doing over here? Playing Magic the Pokémon Cards? Ridiculous!” The daily lunchtime harassment had begun.

“Look at this one here,” said Joey poking at Francis’s coat, “He thinks he’s Admiral Picard on the Platinum Falcon!”

“It’s Captain Picard and the Millennium Falcon, but you’re confusing Star Trek with Star Wars,” Percy blurted out.

“What’s this?” Adam the football captain said. “He’s talking to us like we care.” All the football players laughed.

“You make fun of us, but you’re no different,” Francis could contain himself no longer. “You’re just sports-nerds!”

The cafeteria went silent.

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Self-Aware Misery

Posted on July 23, 2009 by Eric

“This ‘Misery Index’ that newspapers use does not accurately reflect how miserable I feel, and by extension how miserable everyone else should feel, because my feelings are the only one that is right.”

“Wow, Bob, that was quite an elaborate sentence to set up what will undoubtedly lead to a somewhat funny yet ultimately unfulfilling conclusion. Just like 98% of these other stories.”

“No fourth wall breaking! Anyway, Joe, as I was saying, this ‘Misery Index’ is wrong because I feel miserable all the time. In fact, I should make my own—”

“Oops, ran out of 101 words again! Sorry folks!”

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T. Thaddeus Fitzsimmons

Posted on July 22, 2009 by Eric

A young man burst through the doors as T. Thaddeus Fitzsimmons enjoyed a quiet breakfast. “Uncle Thad!” he said. “I’m you’re long lost nephew Oliver come to stay indefinitely!”

“Uncle? Nephew?! Preposterous! See here you scallywag,” Thaddeus slammed his fist into the table. “I have no siblings, and thus no nephews. Immediately remove yourself from my estate forthwith!”

“Technically I’m your great-nephew, and you are my closest living relative and now court-appointed guardian,” the young man produced court documents and then proceeded to sit down at the table and eat Thaddeus’s breakfast.

As Thaddeus examined the papers, his monocle popped off.

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