Monthly Archives: May 2009

Katie groaned as she watched the rain pour down. She dreamed of splashing around in the puddles forming in the backyard. She imagined the cool drops of rain falling on her face. She could practically hear the mud squishing underneath her galoshes. She could be having so much fun. She groaned louder, so Mommy in the next room was sure to hear.

What good were galoshes and raincoats if you couldn’t use them? Didn’t Mommy realize that there wasn’t anything to do inside? That valuable play time was being wasted this very moment?

The rain continued to fall, and Katie sighed.

You’re so vain; you probably think this blog post is about you.

Of course if you don’t think it’s about you, then you probably are not as vain as I thought you were, and that would mean I’m a rather mean person to insinuate that you are so vain.

On the other hand, this blog post is indeed about you, and so for you to think that it is about you is not really all that vain. It would seem like I am the jerk from this perspective as well.

But seriously, you’re vain. That’s all I’m trying to get at.

“It was awful, Meredith! Just awful!” Matthew threw the groceries onto the counter.

“Why? What’s wrong, honey?”

“I was at the checkout, and I told the young man there that I had some coupons. Well, he just laughed. I asked him what was so funny, and he said, ‘Only women use coupons.’ Only women?! It’s not like I cut them out of the Sunday paper. They printed them out for me last time I was there. It’s like wasted money not to use them. That’s not womanly. That’s just smart! Right?”

“Oh, Matthew,” Meredith gave a sympathetic sigh, “men aren’t smart.”

The light flickered and died. Elizabeth groaned then felt around for the light switch. No good. The power must have gone out. She stumbled to the door. It opened to more black. Elizabeth began to worry. This was the first time she visited this house, and the others wouldn’t be back for at least another hour.

Further down the hall amber light suddenly sliced through the darkness revealing a door.

“H-h-hello?” Elizabeth whispered, “Jenny? Are you back? Mark?”

A shadow passed over the light. Deep gravelly breaths surrounded Elizabeth. She died to scream for fear, but for fear she dared not.

“Oh, Kasey! I’m glad you’re here. You’ve got to try some of this!” John said through mouthfuls.

“What is it?”

“It’s called Soylent Green, and it’s to die for!”

“Don’t you know what is in that stuff?” Kasey asked hesitantly.

“Not a clue. I do know that it is wonderfully delicious, and that I love it, and that it provides me with all my daily needed protein,” John pointed to the Nutrition Facts.

Kasey looked at the ingredients and her eyes bugged out wide, “John, Soylent Green is–”

“–Fantastic. I know. Here, try Soylent Green: Asian Cuisine.”

Kasey puked.