Monthly Archives: July 2008

I Wrote This One Just for Me

Posted on July 31, 2008 by Eric

“I’ve been recently considering the value of naming things within stories,” Fiona said to her English teacher. “I can name things completely random things, and it would imitate real life, but not all my readers would get it. Conversely, I could name things what they represent. I could name my character ‘Everyman’ instead of ‘John’ and just announce to the reader: ‘I’m writing in allegory!’”

Math Teacher said, “Is there only those two extremes?”

“I suppose I could name him ‘Everyman’ and write him contrary to his name, but that would only confuse the readers.”

Math Teacher the English teacher nodded.

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Independent Minded

Posted on July 30, 2008 by Eric

“Hey, Bill, have you seen Latest Blockbuster? It’s pretty good.”

“I hate Latest Blockbuster! I’m independently minded, unlike all the corporate sheep who love what they’re told to love. I thought better of you, Paul.”

“Oh? So what didn’t you like about the movie?”

“It’s popular.”

“Is that it? You just don’t like it, because other people do like it?”

“Don’t you see? If I like something that’s popular, then people will start calling me a tool! I can’t bear being singled out of the entire group like that!”

“That doesn’t make sense. Are you even listening to what you’re saying?”

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Today

Posted on July 30, 2008 by Eric

Today was a hard day
I spent much time in quiet contemplation
Where did I go wrong?
What could I have done?
I stood still as the world moved on about me
I could not cry
So I let the sky cry in my stead

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Magical Cutbacks

Posted on July 29, 2008 by Eric

“I’m the genie of the lamp! You may now have two wishes!”

Muhammad frowned, “Two? I thought genies gave people three wishes?”

“Management’s cutting back,” the genie shrugged, “Magic is expensive these days.”

“Okay, fine,” Muhammad grumbled, “For my first wish, I want a magical carpet that can fly around.”

“I can do that, but first: How much do you weigh? You look a little pudgy.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“If you’re over a certain weight, you’ll have to use two wishes for two magic carpets sewed together. Also, you’ll have to pay extra for carry-on luggage.”

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Bad Joke

Posted on July 28, 2008 by Eric

“Have you heard the one about the rhinoceros and the bee?”

“Yes. I told you that I have heard of every joke ever conceived,” Joe claimed.

I had cornered him, “Ha! I know you’re lying now, because I just said the first two things that came into my head. There is no such joke!”

“No, it is a joke,” Joe said with a smug grin.

“Then tell it to me.”

“What did the rhinoceros say after it was stung by the bee?”

“I don’t know. What?”

“Ouch.”

I grumbled, “That wasn’t very funny.”

“I didn’t say it was a good joke.”

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It’s What’s Inside that Counts

Posted on July 26, 2008 by Eric

“Ted, you should probably ease up on that food. You know your doctor said you should try to lose some weight.”

Ted burst out into tears. “You don’t understand! Nobody understands!”

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were so sensitive about–” Lisa tried to apologize.

“I’m a fat man living inside a slightly-thinner-yet-still-also-fat man’s body! That’s why I eat! To be the man I really am on the inside!”

“Why aren’t you just content with who you already are?”

“Because this body is not me! I’m fatter than this on the inside! I’m being brave by stuffing my face like this!”

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The Case of the Tricky Pirate

Posted on July 25, 2008 by Eric

The Case of the Tricky Pirate“It appears we missed our opportunity at catching the criminal. But not to worry, for the case is afoot, or rather a leg!” said Shamrock O’Malley.

“I don’t follow,” I said trying to understand Shamrock’s logic.

“Dr. Walton, if you notice here in the snow, a small circular imprint by the boot imprints, clearly indicating that our culprit has a peg-leg and is therefore a pirate!”

“But there are both right and left boot imprints. Would that not rather indicate use of a cane?”

“Merely pirate treachery to lead us off the scent! To the harbor!”

I sighed as I followed.

~~~
More cases from the files of Shamrock O’Malley

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Proverbs 22:13

Posted on July 24, 2008 by Eric

Herbert Waxelman lazed on his couch all day. Day after day he grew fatter and paler.

One day his wife could not stand it any longer, “Go outside and get some exercise and sun!”

“It’s dangerous outside,” Herbert said, “and I might get killed! There’s this news report: A lion escaped from the zoo!”

“Well, at least open a window and get some fresh air.”

Herbert’s nacho-cheese laced scent wafted out the open window, attracting the lion.

Later, Herbert’s wife came in, “Uck! Take a bath! You smell like an animal. You also need a shave.”

Herbert growled in dissatisfaction.

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Office Hijinks

Posted on July 24, 2008 by Eric

“Where are all my paper clips?”

Phil pretended he did not hear Ryan and continued to type.

“Dude! My paper clips!”

Phil sighed and swiveled his chair around, “What are you talking about?”

Ryan thrust an empty cup into Phil’s face, “This was half full of paper clips when I left for lunch! This keeps happening to me! Staples, push pins, the eraser stubs at the end of my pencils! Who would go through the effort of prying out eraser stubs?”

“Look, I’ve got work to do.”

Ryan stormed off. Phil patted his desk drawer filled with Ryan’s junk and smiled.

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The Man Whose Face Stayed That Way

Posted on July 22, 2008 by Eric

A piercing scream broke the monotonous drone of the busy city street. More audible gasps and screams soon followed. Women fainted. Children cried. Grown men quaked in fear. So was the daily life of the man whose face “stayed that way.”

His mother had always scolded him not to make funny faces. He thought she was being ridiculous, but now he regretted ever having doubted.

One day he had to use his hands to contort his face just so. But upon removing his hands, his face never returned. Things were never the same.

If only he had listened to his mother.

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